OCTOBER 10th-"There is nothing like the laughter of a baby, unless it is 1 a.m. and you are home alone."

"There is nothing like the laughter of a baby, unless it is 1 a.m. and you are home alone." Liene tried to convince me, “Because when you’re alone, you have to be the one to get up.”

I stifled a yawn, doing my best to appear interested. “Uh huh.” I said.

“Especially when you're SO tired from all the feedings, and cleanings, and diaper changings.” Liene continued. I rolled my eyes sub-consciously, wishing the ground would swallow me up. What is it with new mothers and their ceaseless baby anecdotes? I really don’t care how well your kid poops . I’m happy to talk about him or her for a bit, but seriously, I’m not here for a one-way conversation! Change up the subject!

“But don’t get me wrong, I love my little Boo-boo. Yes I do.” She tickled the baby in her lap. Looking up she asked, “Do you want to hold him?”

‘Absolutely not!’ I thought, ‘I don’t need a portable vomit machine in my lap.’ Out loud I said, “No thank you, I’m not good with babies.”

“Nonsense, this little guy is so well behaved. Here, you hold him like this-”she said, attempting to hand the snot bubble over.

I laughed awkwardly, “No, really. Babies and I don’t particularly get along.”

“Sure you do. You just need practice.” She insisted.

“Practice won’t help, trust me.” I stated, getting irritated.

“Try it!” she replied, practically pushing the baby into my arms.

“Do you know how you said there’s nothing like the laughter of a baby?” I asked, on my last nerve.

“Yeah!” she enthusiastically responded.

“Well, I think there is nothing like the taste of a baby.” I finished, eyes glowing red, fangs popping out. I reached out my clawed hands for the baby.

Liene went ashen and clutching her baby ran out the door. Well, that didn’t go the way I had planned, but that conversation was going nowhere. I made my face more human, and settled in with a book.

(Friends with babies: I like your babies! I do!)